How to avoid or survive rivethead attacks

[How to avoid or survive rivethead attacks]

The rivethead is an angry creature, largely due to the fact that wearing those huge boots and 3 metres of rusty chains really is as uncomfortable as it looks and that the only normal reaction invoked by the "music" they listen to is to want to stomp up and down and break things. However, this handy Electric Metal public service announcement tells non-rivetheads (a.k.a. "lesser mortals") how to avoid or - if this is not possible - survive a rivethead attack.

* Wear only black. Dye your hair black. Bright colours are to rivetheads what red rags are to bulls (because bright colours remind them of ravers or possibly hippies).

* Don't, however, dress in black velvet or lace (especially not whilst draping yourself over gravestones and spouting gothic poetry and going on about how much you idolise Marilyn Manson) otherwise they may think you're a pretentious whiny goth and decide to stomp on you.

* An alternative to black is army camouflage. Either the rivethead will think you are industrial, or you may well blend in with any nearby bushes thus avoiding detection by the rivethead (especially if it's cloudy and/or dark and they are still wearing sunglasses or goggles, as proper rivetheads are prone to do).

* Learn some basic band names to fake being industrial so that the rivethead may not kill you (only maim you for life) if you manage to attract its attention somehow. See the idiot's guide to industrial music for more info.

* If the rivethead looks to be getting angry, try to appease it by saying these words: "Genesis P. Orridge rules." (note: do not say "Genesis rules" because they might think you mean the band and will kick the shit out of you even more than they were originally going to)

* If the rivethead starts to charge, have a Skinny Puppy or Einsturzende Neubauten CD to hand. Throw it out to the side. Hopefully the rivethead will follow this instead of you, giving you time to escape. Even if they own the album anyway (which they should do) they won't wish to see a 'sacred text' tossed into the dirt like it's some crummy Britney Spears album.

* Never stare into a rivethead's eyes for more than 10 seconds, for either you'll go completely insane and need psychiatric help for the rest of your days, or (s)he'll get pissed off and stomp on your head.

* Run like hell. Rivetheads usually can't run very fast anyway because of the weight of their huge boots and all the chains they wear.

* Have a getaway car standing by. A fast one.

* What not to do:

Do not:

- Attempt to use weapons. Rivetheads feel no pain (possibly because they are part machine, who knows?) and you'll probably just piss them off even more.

- Beg or plead for your life. Rivetheads feel no emotion (other than anger) so pleading is pointless.

- Attempt to make friends with the rivethead if you are not a rivethead yourself. This is just asking for trouble.

- Say any of the following:

* Have you heard the new Marilyn Manson/Britney Spears/Cliff Richard album? It's really good and pioneering.

* German bands are all shit.

* Any band that doesn't use guitars isn't a real band *or* Synths are not real instruments

* Industrial...that's like, uh, dance music, right?

* Industrial...that's like, uh, Slipknot and stuff, right?

* Industrial...you mean techno?

* Orgy is a really good industrial band.

* Hey goth.

* You actually call this crap music? It sounds like a washing machine crossed with an air conditioning unit.

* Coming to the rave tonight?

* Peace man.

* Black is so last season. Try something in pastels instead.

* I'm better than you.

* Tell me, why are you so angry? Does no one love you? Let's hug and that will make everything all right...

[Faking It]

All of the following is done at your own risk. Electric Metal cannot be held responsible for non-rivetheads trying to pass themselves off as rivetheads being beaten to death by real rivetheads. However, if you do want to try to fake it to integrate yourself with the rivethead community (if you can find one anyway, and assuming you'd want to) here are some useful tips.

* Genesis P. Orridge is your new god.

* If you like NIN, keep this to yourself. Most rivetheads are probably closet NIN fans but some may well disown/kill you for liking them. If you *must* like NIN, there are two ways to express this:

1/ Denounce everything after 'Pretty Hate Machine' as shit and un-industrial even if you didn't really like PHM that much.

2/ Denounce 'Pretty Hate Machine' as crap because Trent ripped off Skinny Puppy on it.

Yeah, so these two statements may contradict each other and hardcore rivetheads may well kill you whatever you say. I guess you can't win. :-)

You are however permitted to play the "Happiness in Slavery" video at Christmas in order to freak out your relatives and be excused from the room.

* As for Marilyn Manson...don't even think about it.

* Develop an elitist attitude. This means even if you *do* happen to like NIN, you'll probably have to sneer when some other wannabe rivethead mentions they also like them and say: "Nine Inch Nails? Hah. They make Britney Spears sound industrial." Note: for NIN you can also insert any of the following names: Gravity Kills, Filter, Orgy (if Orgy are mentioned, be sure to laugh really hard as well), Static-X, Rammstein, Rob Zombie and latterly maybe also Deadsy (yeah, I've seen them get called "industrial-tinged"). If you want to be *really* elitist denounce bands like Ministry and KMFDM as not industrial, say that any band that has sold more than 100 copies of their albums are sell-outs and claim that "real" industrial died out in 1981.
Also, know you are better than everyone else and don't believe anyone who tells you they are better than you. And for the love of Genesis, do not cry if someone calls you freak/loser/weirdo/Ozzy. Just stare at the person until they go away.

* Buy boots. Big ones. Don't look like you just walked out of the shop with them either - make it look like you do actually wear them. Permanantly. Cover them in mud or something. Or blood and tell people it's raver's blood. Never clean or polish them. True rivetheads shouldn't care about having clean boots. Unless they've been licked clean by lesser mortals maybe...

* If you're really committed to faking it, get the haircut. This usually involves shaving at least some part of your head so make sure you *are* committed before taking the plunge. Or look up the address of a decent wig shop first.

* Good songs to get you in the right frame of mind are: "Kill a Raver" by Leaether Strip, "Anger" by Skinny Puppy and any Japanese noise. Also try listening to: washing machines, air conditioning units, car/bus engines, trains, power tools and so on. I promise you, all hardcore rivetheads do this to get them in the right frame of mind to face the world. Honest.

* Buy at least 1 Throbbing Gristle or Einsturzende Neubauten album (not their later stuff - it goes all weird and pretty; you want the noisier stuff). Also be sure to own CDs by Front Line Assembly ("Tactical Neural Implant"), Ministry ("Psalm 69"), Wumpscut and VNV Nation.

Any more suggestions on how to avoid or survive a rivethead attack? Email me (see the contact info page). Thanks to Bill for making the "don't stare into a rivethead's eyes..." suggestion. :-)

[Back]