Rivethead Keep Fit

[Rivethead Keep Fit]

Exercises every rivethead should do to keep themselves in shape:

Exercise 1: "The stomp": It's like step-aerobics, without the step and the aerobics.

How to do it:

Just stand there with some industrial, powernoise or harsh EBM (not that synthpop crap that passes for EBM these days) on. The music will make you not merely tap your foot in time to the beat, but stomp. Really hard. If you need extra motivation try visualising the face of a hippie, raver or pop idol under your feet.

Is useful for:

Toning and strengthening your leg muscles enabling you to wear big clompy boots (because all rivetheads are born with an innate inclination towards wearing stompy boots with lots of buckles and stuff) so you can actually lift your feet with the boots on. Also doubles as a dance move that will make you the envy of all your friends (assuming you have any).

Exercise 2: "The finger curl": A simple exercise that you can even do whilst sitting down.

How to do it:

Extend your arm (left or right, but it's important that you do practice with both) with your fist clenched; slowly uncurl and extend your middle finger whilst keeping your other fingers and thumb clenched.

Is useful for:

Preparing you how to react to people who call you 'freak', make other disparaging comments about you or insult your favourite industrial artist.

Exercise 3: "The I'm better than you look"

How to do it: Just think about how great you are; how much more talented your favourite band is compared to the mediocre pop that everyone else laps up; how much cooler than everyone else you look in your trenchcoat and sunglasses (even inside, or at night) and everything else that makes you the elitist, great rivethead you know you are. Then think about the crap that is getting more airplay than your favourite music, and how much better the world would be without Britney Spears fans. As you are thinking about all of this the 'I'm better than you look' should just come naturally. The look should be both contemptuous and smug without looking happy. If random passing strangers tell you to "Cheer up, it might never happen" you're nearly there. Just try adding a little more contempt and you'll have it.

Is useful for: Toning your facial muscles *and* making sure everyone knows you're better than them.

Exercise 4: "The Stare": You've always been told it's rude to stare so this is a good enough reason to do this exercise.

How to do it: Stand still. Breathe in slowly. Stare straight ahead. Remember to breathe out again at some point. You may find it useful to practice this exercise in front of a mirror. Don't talk or laugh whilst doing this exercise. Blinking is allowed. Gradually build up the length of time you can hold the stare for until you can do it for hours at a time.

Is useful for: Freaking normal people out; making people who think they're like you but aren't and try to engage you in conversation go away; making your teacher/lecturer/boss decide it's a good idea to choose someone else to ask after they've asked you to do something.

Note: apparently some psychologists consider continual looking at oneself in a mirror to be a sign of schizophrenia. If you hear voices whilst doing this exercise, we suggest you consult your doctor rather than obey the voices. Unless it's a voice from your stereo telling you to 'kill a raver'...

(Another note: don't kill a raver. Killing people is bad and you will go to prison where they will confiscate your favourite music and won't let you wear your stompy boots in case you try to hang yourself with the laces)

[Back]