Merry Industrial Christmas

[Merry Industrial Christmas (and a crappy new year)]

Christmas... the time of year all self-respecting rivetheads should hate (family gatherings, bad music, and the bloody Sound of Music on TV, coupled with receiving presents like socks which are about as exciting as, well, socks). However here are a few tips to help all rivetheads survive Christmas.

* Decorations

1/ The tree:

Don't go for real trees. Instead choose a nice silver or black (yes, I have seen black ones) fake tree. If the fake tree looks like a metal bottle brush (as some of the cheap ones do), all the better. Or use a sheet of scrap metal cut in the shape of a tree. Decorate chosen tree with strands of barbed wire and screws, rivets, bolts, nuts, cogs, etc on wires.

2/ Other decorations:

A wreath of barbs, the obligatory strands of barbed wire.

No-go areas = angels, glittery things, coloured lights

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* Gifts

Most of your gifts from other people will be crap. To make sure this doesn't happen, write detailed lists complete with addresses of stores or web sites where all the cool stuff can be bought. Then picture your 100 year old granny wandering into some dark, hell-hole of a record store and asking the six foot tall, dreadlocked, tattooed, pierced, black leather clad assistant for a Throbbing Gristle CD...

Your gifts to others (if you're feeling particularly generous) should consist of all the industrial CDs you want. Then when your Britney Spears loving little sister or whoever hates them, feign surprise and offer to take them off her hands. Alternatively, take the cheap option and just rip and burn copies of your own CDs. People should be glad to receive copies of obscure albums that it took you 3 years to find and you finally had to import them from Japan at great expense to yourself. Remember, it's the thought that counts.

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* Christmas T.V.

Never fear, you do not have to watch the Sound of Music for the three hundredth time. Instead try a selection of industrial related movies (popular choices: Terminator/Terminator II, Hellraiser, The Matrix, Blade Runner, etc). Or, alternatively, when the family is gathered around the TV ready for a nice family film, throw on some music videos. 2 good choices would be Skinny Puppy's 'Testure' video and Nine Inch Nails' 'Happiness in Slavery'. Either of these will freak out your granny and teenybopping cousins and, in the case of the NIN video, will probably also get you branded as a pervert and banished from the room. Which is a successful result because you didn't want to stick around anyway.

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* Religion

A few whiny Christians would have us believe that Christmas is not about presents, getting drunk and eating too much. It is actually apparently about some guy called Jesus Christ. However, as a rivethead you do not worship Christ. Your 'religion' is centred around the adoration of the life, works and teachings of Trent/Genesis/Ogre/whoever. This means that your Christmas shouldn't actually be called Christmas. Instead, insert the name of your idol in front of 'mas' and prove how elitist and different you are by celebrating a different occasion to everyone else. Print the name of your newly instated holiday onto banners, t-shirts, etc. Any whiny Christians who accost you and accuse you of blasphemy, heresy and of taking the piss out of a holy date should be appropriately dealt with.

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* Christmas Parties

Christmas parties can be tiresome. Relatives you don't even know crowding round and dancing badly to happy pop tunes and the same crappy Christmas songs that they've been rolling out for the past 3 decades whilst the only food on offer seems to consist of mini sausages and bits of cheese on sticks. However it doesn't have to be this way. Electric Metal addresses some of the following issues to help your party go with a bang:

Party wear: this will just be your usual rivethead attire i.e. all black, big boots, industrial T shirt, etc. Also wear sunglasses or goggles. If the party is fancy dress, tell people you came as a rivethead (be sure to make it clear exactly what a rivethead is, otherwise they might just think you're a whiny goth; if they require a demonstration just kick their ass). Or throw on a cowboy hat and tell them you came as Al Jourgenson. Other options for fancy dress:

- drench yourself in blood (could be real, could be fake, but even it's fake tell people it's real just to weird them out) and drag along a stuffed toy dog with its guts ripped out. You're Nivek Ogre.

- cover yourself in flour. You're Trent Reznor (or NIN, because Trent Reznor is NIN - it says so in PHM).

- dress in your basic industrial attire, then strap a small keyboard and some pieces of scrap metal to your body. You're a one-man industrial band (which is probably most industrial bands really)

Party music: put on some nice, relaxing powernoise to really get the party swinging. If anyone asks timidly if you couldn't put something a little mellower on, refuse to accept that Imminent Starvation is not mellow. Eventually relent and put on Nine Inch Nails' 'Closer'. Also if any of your siblings, cousins, etc are ravers, be sure to give Leaether Strip's 'Kill a raver' a spin (or two) just to make them feel welcome.

Party food/drink: anything charred and black, and lots of alcohol. Spike all drinks. Even the alcoholic ones.

Party dancing: Just stomp. If Uncle whateverhisnameis won't get out of the way, elbow him. Then stomp on him. Stomp on all annoying whining children.

Party attitude: When you're not dancing, sit in the corner rocking and muttering obscenities (preferably in German). Don't talk to anyone. If your aunt or granny remarks on how much you've grown (as if this is some kind of unexpected miracle) just stare at them, saying nothing, until they freak out and go away. If there are flashing lights and/or mirrorballs as part of the party decor, these will give you painful reminders of ravers and disco. Your response should be to dance across the room looking as if you're having an epileptic seizure, start frothing at the mouth, scream a lot and smash the flashing lights and mirrorballs.

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* Santa Claus

Myth and legend would have us believe that Santa Claus (or Father Christmas, for the traditionalists) is a nice jolly old fellow who delivers presents to the good little girls and boys. However any rivethead must know that this is rubbish. See below for an artist's depiction of what Santa Claus actually looks like.

Traditional images of Santa Claus versus Rivethead images of Santa Claus:

Clothing:

Traditional: Red trousers and jacket trimmed with white fur, red hat, shiny black boots

Rivethead: Black trousers trimmed with rusty chains, Einsturzende Neubauten t-shirt, huge pair of scuffed black boots

Looks:

Traditional: fat belly, rosy red cheeks, big fluffy white beard

Rivethead: skinny, pasty cheeks from not being exposed to enough daylight, straggly black beard half shaved off, the remainder dreadlocked

Attitude:

Traditional: Kindly

Rivethead: Angry

What Santa does:

Traditional: Rides in a sleigh drawn by reindeer to deliver presents to good little girls and boys; goes down chimneys to deliver presents without waking up the children.

Rivethead: Rides in a beat up old banger of a car to visit the good little rivetheads who have killed the most hippies and ravers that year. The noise of the car and the permanant loop of 'Jesus Built My Hotrod' on its stereo wakes everyone in the neighbourhood. Kicks down the door of the house he needs to go into. May leave presents but is more likely just to drink any alcohol in the house and steal or break stuff instead.

Santa's Grotto:

Traditional: A bright, cheery place with happy little elves making presents and where Santa sits little children on his knee and asks them what they want for Christmas. Regardless of what is asked for, Santa promises to deliver it.

Rivethead: A dark, scary place with angry little rivetheads breaking stuff and drinking and where Santa grabs little children and forces them - kicking and screaming - to sit on his knee. He then asks them what they want for Christmas. Any children answering Barbie dolls, Britney CDs, etc will be promptly kicked out of the grotto (or killed - it depends on Santa's mood at the time).

Santa's animals:

Traditional: reindeer named Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, etc

Rivethead: huge scary snarly rabid spiky collar-wearing German shepherd dogs named Smasher, Stomper, etc

Industrial Santa

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* Christmas Dinner

Whether you go for turkey, goose or some other unfortunate animal for your Christmas feast, make sure it is well done. By this we mean black and crispy. Note: vegetarianism is not an option - you are industrial; satisfy your bloodlust with the flesh of a dead animal in the absence of a decent raver or hippie (these taste bad anyway and there's not much meat on them). Cooking the turkey/goose/whatever for at least a week before consuming may be beneficial to achieve that nicely burned look and taste. Christmas puddings should be served in a similar manner. We suggest pouring a bottle of brandy (you could use lighter fluid, but you're more likely to have already drunk this) over it and then using a flamethrower on it (note: your goggles may prove useful here). Some people like to put small coins in their Christmas puddings (perhaps to choke relatives they really hate). Eating these is optional. Christmas cakes should be decorated with black icing and small metal objects (cogs, rivets, screws, etc). As with the coins in the Christmas pudding, eating these is optional, but recommended (prove how hardcore industrial you are by actually attempting to shit rivets afterwards).

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* Christmas Music

Every year they bring out the same old crap Christmas CDs, full of 30+ year old Christmas "classics", with a few newer tracks by more popular artists (that at best have a very tenuous link to Christmas) tacked on just to get the younger crowd to buy them.

It's never going to happen... a Christmas album that doesn't A/ suck and B/ have "I wish it could be Christmas every day" on it. But we can dream... So here is a track by track breakdown of what you *might* find on an industrial Christmas album should it materalise:

The best industrial Christmas album in the world... ever:

1/ Skinny Puppy - "I'm dreaming of a harsh stone white Christmas"
Industrial pioneers rework that old classic "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" into a harrowing account of the screwed up state of the world where a white Christmas is the only thing to look forward to (but does the white refer to snow, or to drugs?), also making reference to Santa Claus' alleged mistreatment of his reindeer.

2/ ohGr - "Christmas Cracker"
"You think you're evil but you're not, still sucking life from the mainstream" says Ogre in this specially reworked version of "Cracker", making reference to consumerism as destroying the true spirit of Christmas as all the "alternative" kids ask for NIN, Marilyn Manson and Eminem albums for Christmas in an attempt to be subversive, therefore not being subversive at all and thus supporting the evils of consumerism gone out of control. Or something...

3/ Wumpscut -"Rudy the red nosed reindeer"
Rudy Ratzinger reworks the old classic into an industrial-gothic dance masterpiece.

4/ Ministry - "Jesus built my sleigh"
Ministy rework their old favourite "Jesus built my hotrod" into a new Christmas classic that's fun for all the family.

5/ Autechre - "Noisy night"
Barking mad duo get hold of "Silent Night"...and warp it beyond all recognition. Intelligent dance music that cannot be danced to without extreme drunkeness (great for Christmas parties) or by emulating epilepsy.

6/ Katscan - "Kentucky Fried Baby Jesus"
Electropunk nutters Katscan take their song "Kentucky Fried Jesus" and give it an added Christmas flavour.

7/ Throbbing Gristle - "What a (Christmas) day"
Old school industrialists reform for a special Christmas themed reworking of "What a day" - noise, screaming and more noise layered over minimal synths and some random muttering. Hilarious.

8/ Front Line Assembly - "Away in a Manger"
Bill Leeb turns "Away in a Manger" into a modern day sinister-synth driven account of how the religious meaning of Christmas has been turned away, as Mary and Joseph were turned away from the inn, by the creeping advances of technology into our everyday lives as he ponders: does religion have a place in Christmas any more if technology is our new god?

9/ Nine Inch Nails - "I'm looking forward to receiving some Christmas presents, finally"
Trent Reznor sings about depression and stuff whilst expressing some small gleam of hope that someone might actually give a damn about him and want to buy him some presents this year, rather than just slagging him off for not making another album that sounded like "The Downward Spiral" and enquiring what the f*** was the point of "Things Falling Apart".

10/ Coil - "The first five minutes after a violent Christmas Day death"
Coil soundtrack the aftermath of a murder committed in the heat of the moment after a drunken argument between lovers about who was doing the washing up and who had the remote control for the TV ended in one of the pair beating the other to death with the Christmas tree.

11/ Einsturzende Neubauten - "Jingle Bells"
German industrial pioneers bang on large metal bells to create a cacophony of metallic noise

Disclaimer: All of these songs/remixes are fictional. I wish they were real, but I guess it's not to be.

Accompanying the Christmas album might also be a CD of industrial party music (and you could actually make this CD, or a CD-R anyway) guaranteed to ruin any party atmosphere. I call it:

"The worst party album in the world... ever"

1/ Throbbing Gristle - "Hamburger Lady" - Nothing really to do with hamburgers...

2/ NIN - "Hurt" - That Trent Reznor... he's a happy chappy

3/ Skinny Puppy - "VX gas attack" - VX gas, one of the most toxic substances known to man - there's an anti-Britney Spears joke in here somewhere, I just haven't found it yet

4/ Whitehouse - "Bloodf***ing" - you could probably say any Whitehouse song, but I just like the title of that one

5/ Coil - "Ostia (the death of Pasolini)" - A song about the murder of director Pasolini and the suicide of a friend. Nice.

6/ Autechre - "Gantz Graf" - just lie back and watch people attempt to dance to this... what a riot

7/ Test Dept - "Statement" - Guaranteed to leave party revellers shaking their heads in bemusement

8/ Winterkalte - "Do not vote for industry" - If the first five minutes don't clear the dancefloor, don't worry; there's 15 more minutes to come

9/ Bile - "Compound Pressure" - Krztoff should wash his mouth out with soap for singing this...

10/ Die Form - "Sex by force" - it's called sex by force, what else can I say?

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