Industrial cars

[Industrial cars]

So you have the outfit, the attitude, you industrialised your room and you own a great big snarling German Shepherd dog with a spiky collar, but...how are you going to get from A to B and still be industrial? Follow these simple guidelines to make sure you own an industrial vehicle:

1/ Buy German or Japanese

2/ Make sure the car is an old banger that belches lots of smoke, rattles and clanks a lot and also make sure that when you turn on the heater (if it has one) it's so loud you can't tell whether you actually did turn on the heater or a Japanese noise artist's CD.

3/ Make sure it looks beat up. If it isn't dented, take a sledgehammer to it. Rust is good too. If it looks like it's fit for the scrapyard, congratulations, you're there. Word of advice: don't break the windows - you won't be able to see where you're going.

4/ Fit a noisy (and the emphasis here is on noisy) car alarm that goes off at the slightest provocation. Or just when it feels like it.

5/ Have industrial music permanantly on the stereo, or tune the radio to white noise.

6/ Make sure you have a sticker in the back window that reads 'Jesus built my hotrod'.

7/ An even more industrial alternative to a car is a tank or armoured car. Damned learner drivers won't get out of your way? Just drive over the top of them...

No-go areas:

* Furry dice

* A radio tuned to classical, country or easy listening stations

* Beaded seat covers

* Pine scented air fresheners

A final word:

For budding industrial, uh, 'musicians', a car can be a valuable musical instrument. Experiment with the different sounds you can get out of it, revving it, kicking it, jumping on its roof, smashing the hell out of it with a hammer, etc.

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